Oh, You Know, The One Where Daniel Dies
by running out of ink
Summary: It's like that episode, you know, the one where Daniel dies? Experience the horror as he dies yet again! Complete with Wizard of Oz references, insanity, and meaning of life stuff.
1. Chapter 1

_**Oh, you know, the one where Daniel dies**_

**Written by**: running out of ink  
**Spoilers for**: Every single episode…  
**Summary:** Oh, you know, it's like that one episode. When Daniel goes insane. And dies. There's even a funeral, Wizard of Oz references, and, of course, some meaning-of-life stuff!  
**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything… it would be very scary if I actually did.  
**Author's Note**: If you don't like people making fun of Stargate this is not the story for you. Also note, that I'm a rabid fan of the show, and I only wrote this because I noticed a couple of recurring themes in the show. I still love it.

* * *

The day started off as any other day at Stargate Command would. They had a funeral for Daniel. They were pretty sure he was dead this time. No, seriously. They saw him drown after running into the lake from insanity that was caused, undoubtedly, by some alien device he had been playing around with. But wait, we should start at the beginning, when Daniel first started playing with the alien device.

It all started two hours ago on P3X-123. SG-1, containing the dashing Col. Jack O'Neill, the smart-but-sexy Major Samantha Carter, the stoic Jaffa Teal'c, and the clumsy-but-cute archaeologist Dr. Daniel Jackson, was examining some mundane, foresty planet that had once been occupied by the Ancients, but was now under the rule of some power-hungry Goauld. The name of the Goauld is not necessary just know that it was not Apophis or Anubis. It was some stupid lower "god". Honestly, he didn't even know how to set proper patrols around the Stargate, and the Jaffa were caught off guard as SG-1 came blasting through. You would have thought they would have seen it coming after the MALP came through. Jack managed to quote The Wizard of Oz, though no one heard him through all of the gunfire.

Anyway, as I was saying, the trouble started when Daniel started to examine some of the Ancient text that was lying around. Sam was examining some random piece of technology in the corner, thinking it could be an important discovery (in reality, it was just an Ancient Toaster, because Ancients quite liked toast). Teal'c was practicing his blank stare, while secretly comparing his life to that of those in Star Wars. And Jack… well Jack just wanted to go home and watch The Wizard of Oz and then go fishing afterwards.

"Eureka! I've found something!" Daniel shouted from his corner.

"Is it a good witch, or a bad witch?" Jack asked, in reply.

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, and Daniel ignored him.

"It says 'If you open this box," Daniel held up a box. "You will go insane and die.' Let's open it Jack! Can we?"

"No."

"Jack! I think we should do it. This could be a momentous discovery for the world. It could solve world hunger. It could create world peace. It could be a coffee maker."

"How would that solve world peace?"

But Daniel was no longer listening. He opened the box, went insane, and then ran into the nearby lake.

It was with heavy hearts that the remaining members of SG-1 went back through the Gate. They had lost Daniel. Again.

"I told you he would die. Pay up!" Jack said, holding his hand out to Teal'c.

"Did he not also go insane, O'Neill? Which would make me the victorious one?"

"Well… that doesn't count because he died. So I win." At that last remark from Jack, Sam began to lose her temper. The nerve of them! Daniel had just gone insane and drowned himself.

"If you remember correctly, I was the one who actually bet that he would go insane AND die! So, both of you better pay up!" That was more like it. Jack and Teal'c sighed and reluctantly pulled out fifty dollar bills from their pockets.

MEANWHILE… IN THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE

Daniel was not really dead. In a spot of luck, he had fallen right into a sarcophagus, which had healed him completely. He swam to the top of the lake, wondering what to do now. Maybe go argue about "meaning of life stuff" with some unsuspecting native.

BACK AT CHEYENNE MOUNTAIN BASE

Dr. Frasier had decided they should have a funeral for Daniel. Hammond suggested they wait a week, or maybe just an hour. Dr. Jackson had an astonishing way of coming back from the dead. But he was overruled, and they held another funeral for him.

A couple of minutes later Hammond walked up to Jack, a grim look on his face.

"Jack, I've got some bad news. The Russians have decided that if you don't find a replacement for Daniel, that they are going to place one of their own men on your team."

"WHAT?"

"I know. I don't like it anymore than you do, but there is no other choice."

And before Jack could reply, sirens started blaring, and a voice came over the loud speaker, "Unauthorized Incoming Wormhole!" And Jack sprinted off to see if it was Daniel coming back. If so, he wanted his fifty dollars back!

TO BE CONTINUED…. POSSIBLY


	2. Grapes and Geeks

_**Oh, you know, the one where Daniel dies**_

**Written by**: running out of ink

**Spoilers for**: Every single episode…

**Summary:** Oh, you know, it's like that one episode. When Daniel goes insane. And dies. There's even a funeral, Wizard of Oz references, and, of course, some meaning-of-life stuff!

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything… it would be very scary if I actually did.

**Author's Note**: Well, my style managed to change a bit in between chapters. And I'm still not sure where I want this to go. If you have any suggestions, they would be much appreciated.

It wasn't Daniel coming through the Stargate. Actually, Daniel was currently living in a village on Mundane Foresty Planet, his GDO was completely water logged. Drowning yourself in a lake and then coming back to life can do that. The village in question is known as Merton, and the planet is called Thuraya, and the people are a little less advanced than we are. That didn't stop all of the women in the village from falling in love with Daniel. Forget one woman on every planet- Daniel has a fan club on every planet. In fact, I think some of the men are in love with him too.

Currently, Daniel was hanging out in the local ancient ruins, busying himself by translating the ancient text on them. I mean Ancient. Oh heck- the ruins have ancient Ancient writing on them.

"Another grape Daniel?" asked a scantily clothed villager named Lana. Daniel opened his mouth, and she dropped a grape in. Ah, this was the life: History and Women. An archaeologist could get used to this.

BACK ON EARTH

A very bored and annoyed looking Colonel sat in the briefing room, conducting his umpteenth interview of the day. Finding a new Daniel was always difficult. Why are geeks always so… geeky?

"So, what makes you think you'd be perfect for SG-1," he paused as he looked up the name, "Clever." Who the heck names their kid Clever!

Clever pushed up his thick eyeglasses and smiled. Jack sincerely hoped he wouldn't do that again. "Well, hem, I think I'd be perfect for SG-1 because- are you listening?"

"Yes. I can juggle and listen at the same time. Multitasking is a key characteristic of members of SG-1. Can you juggle?" Jack tossed the crumpled paper balls in the air a couple of times.

"Is that my résumé?" Clever stared. It was his résumé!

"Oh, right. Well, Clever, I'm sorry. But you're just not what we're looking for. Ask again later." Jack was channeling his inner Magic-8 ball. The Russians, who'd been watching the whole thing from behind the glass, smirked. Only one more hour and they'd get to have a Russian on SG-1! And as Clever ran past them crying, they couldn't help but do a little happy dance in celebration.

Jack was just about to call in the next interviewee when the alarm went off that there was another Unauthorized Incoming Wormhole. Finally- Jack was beginning to wonder what was taking Danny so long. He ran to the control room again.

"It's SG-12," stated Sgt. Harriman, resident gate opener and closer.

Jack looked slightly put out. "What do they want this time?" he sighed, "Open the iris."

The iris opened, and several staff blasts came through, striking one of the base's numerous random soldiers. SG-12 came through, the iris closed, and the Gate shut down. Jack absently wondered if maybe Daniel was really dead this time, and went to go talk to Sam.

TWO MINUTES LATER

"Knock, knock," Major Samantha Carter looked up and smiled as her C.O. strolled into the room.

"Hello, sir. How goes the replacement search?"

"Not so good. What 'cha doin'?"

"Examining that artifact we brought back from that planet."

"Which planet?"

"Oh, you know the one where Daniel died."

"Ye-ah. Do you get the feeling that Daniel's really not dead?" Sam nodded in reply. She just couldn't bring herself to believe Daniel was really dead. He'd come back to life enough times, what makes this time any different. A warm breeze blew by. Birds chirped.

"Did you just hear a bird chirping?" Jack asked and looked around the room.

"Oh, sorry sir. That was just my Cheeping Chick. You see?" She held up a life-sized yellow chick. It had felt bunny ears and a tie. It cheeped.

"Is that thing _real_?"

"Oh, no sir! When you hold it on your palm it cheeps. I bought it for Cassandra."

"Let me see that!" He set it down on the table. "Why won't it cheep?"

"It's heat sensitive. You have to put it on your palm," Sam demonstrated. And Jack attempted again. It didn't work.

"Your hands must be cold," she tentatively reached out to feel his hand. An awkward two seconds passed, and Sam snatched her hand back. "Sorry, sir." Jack backed into the doorway.

"I'm going to talk to Teal'c. Have fun playing with your doohickey," And with that, Jack strolled out of the hall. Sam and Jack shippers sighed.

Back on Thuraya, Daniel was choking on a grape, with his scantily clad villager running to the village for help.

Thanks to the following for reviewing, and making me happy: Desert Blossom-by-the-Sea, BizzyLizzy, Knightgirl4Jack, Delles, kittn, HottWheelz, and Mayuko-Chan. HottWheelz, you can look forward to a reunion scene soon!

P.S. Clever is a real name!

P.P.S. Hope you enjoyed that S/J moment. 0.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Oh, you know, the one where Daniel dies**_

**Written by**: running out of ink

**Spoilers for**: Every single episode…

**Summary:** Oh, you know, it's like that one episode. When Daniel goes insane. And dies. There's even a funeral, Wizard of Oz references, and, of course, some meaning-of-life stuff!

**Disclaimer**: I wish I owned Daniel.

**Author's Note**: This chapter has been a long time coming, and has gone through several different versions. It has taken a lot for me to be pleased with this chapter.

\\\

Daniel turned blue and purple. It was his most embarrassing death yet, and he knew it. Of all the heroic ways to die (getting blasted with a Staff, blown up on a spaceship, radiation poisoning) and he was choking on a grape. He started to see spots, and suddenly he was standing in a very bright room. Oma was there.

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step," she said mystically.

"I think I've read that on a fortune cookie somewhere," the heroic archaeologist replied.

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do," she added wisely.

"I'm not afraid of ascending, Oma. I'm practically an expert at it now." And he was. Dr. Daniel Jackson had ascended many times, and every time he had chosen to regain human form.

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

"Don't talk to me about the wrath of grapes."

"It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love."

"That last one made no sense. Listen, can I just ascend already? I don't want to stand here as you read fortune cookies to me!"

Oma glared at him. Daniel ascended.

\

Jack was sitting in the VIP room, watching The Simpsons, when suddenly a very naked Daniel appeared in front of him. "Spacemonkey!" he was hugging Daniel before he even knew what he was doing.

"Um, Jack, I'm kind of," he paused, searching for the right words, "naked." Jack jumped back and handed Daniel a couch cusion, eyes closed.

"Thanks."

And the two of them skipped away to find Daniel some clothes, and to inform the rest of the SGC that he was alive!

ONE WEEK LATER IN THE SGC

General Hammond was worried. No, not worried, concerned. He was concerned because SG-1 was late for their routine check-in. This sort of thing happened quite frequently, especially with SG-1. Trouble seemed to follow them around like a lion follows a gazelle. Well, all there was to do now was wait until they heard from the Tok'ra. Five minutes later an unauthorized incoming wormhole was established. A Tok'ra IDC was received, and Jacob Carter stepped through the Stargate. He looked grim.

"George, I've got bad news," Jacob stated grimly.

"It's about SG-1, isn't it?" It always was.

"They've been captured Apophis."

And so they were. We now shift the camera to focus on SG-1, locked in a generic holding cell on Apophis's mothership.

"Daniel, I told you not to touch it."

"Well, I'm sorry Jack, but it seemed like a good idea at the time."

"It always does."

A member of the Serpent Guard arrived to start the mental abuse of SG-1. Teal'c determined that he was a good candidate to turn towards the rebellion. "Apophis is not a god."

"Traitor! Tauri! Scum!"

"Cree!"

"What does "cree" mean?"

"Shut up, Jack."

"Apophis is all-knowing."

"Your mom is all-knowing!"

That was the point when the fight got a bit out of hand. The Jaffa guard looked a bit put out.

"Don't talk about my mom!" he exclaimed, "And don't worry about turning me to the rebellion. I will turn to your side just in time to save you from certain death later on. That's part of the job description you know."

"Well, okay then."

"And now, I will take you to Apophis!"

The guard led the team through identical golden corridors.

"You know, have you guys ever thought about changing things up a bit in the interior design department?" Sam asked. "I mean, it's always the same: gold, gold and gold."

"I FIND GOLD TO BE SOOTHING," the reply came from none other than Apophis himself. "NOW, LET ME THINK OF A SUITABLE WAY TO KILL YOU THIS TIME."

"My Lord, might I suggest we just kill them and get it over with?"

"NO. I WANT THIS TO BE DONE RIGHT. LET ME SEE. LET ME SEE. I'M THINKING SHARKS WITH LASERS."

"Sharks are very hard to find in space."

"OH." He considered this information. "WELL, I SUPPOSE WE COULD JUST TORTURE THEM A BIT AND THEN SHOOT THEM WITH STAFF WEAPONS. THAT ALWAYS WORKS."

The Jaffa chuckled.

"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?"

"Oh, well, I thought you were making a joke. You weren't?"

"NO."

"Oh, well, it's just your record of killing SG-1 with staff weapons and torture is just not that great."

"YES, WELL THIS TIME IT WILL WORK. GO GET THE STAFFS AND TORTURE DEVICES."

The Jaffa left, and returned a few moments later with the required devices.

"I HAVE BEEN THINKING. PERHAPS WE SHOULD GET ALL THIS ON TAPE."

The Jaffa rolled his eyes and got the video camera. Apophis began torturing Teal'c.

"SAY UNCLE!"

"No."

"SAY 'APOPHIS IS MY ONE TRUE GOD' AND I WILL SPARE YOUR LIFE."

"No."

Apophis picked up the staff weapon. "YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE." He turned the weapon on. The Jaffa moved into position to pounce on Apophis, and turn to the rebellion. Sadly, he never got the chance to fulfill his job requirements, because at that exact moment SG-1 was beamed off of the mothership and onto the Prometheus.

\\\

Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed! 14 reviews for 2 chapters! Wow, that's a lot for me!


	4. And Now the Conclusion

_**Oh, you know, the one where Daniel dies**_

**Written by**: running out of ink

**Spoilers for**: Every single episode…

**Summary:** Oh, you know, it's like that one episode. When Daniel goes insane. And dies. There's even a funeral, Wizard of Oz references, and, of course, some meaning-of-life stuff!

**Disclaimer**: Nope, I still own it.

**Author's Note**: This isn't my favorite. It isn't my best. But it had to be finished, so here is the rest.

* * *

"Boy, are we glad to see you guys!" Jack exclaimed.

"We were in the neighborhood," said the commander of the Prometheus- but that wasn't all. "Oh, and by the way, the hyperdrive is offline."

This was Sam's time to shine. "What happened?"

"_Someone_-," he glared at a random technician, "-accidentally dropped the power crystal and it just sort of snapped in half."

Well… that was a new one. But Sam got to work as fast as she could. No one quite knew what she was up to- just that it involved a very large bottle of diet coke and possibly some Elmer's Glue.

Daniel and Jack were taking a long-needed nap, while Teal'c busied himself by playing an unsuspecting crew member at cards.

Teal'c paused, raised an eyebrow, and new in his gut that something was wrong. The crew member, Dave, tried his best to look innocent. Dave reached out to take a card from the pile; Teal'c grabbed his hand before it could get close.

"I believe you have cheated, David Jones."

"I- I did no such thing!" His eyes widened in fear. Dave remembered the last person who cheated while playing cards with Teal'c… it was nearly six months ago and-

Dave's flashback was interrupted by a voice on the intercom. "Hey guys, Sam here! I fixed the hyperdrive, as usual. And if my calculations are correct, we'll be back on Earth in a couple of minutes."

The panic-stricken Dave snatched his hand away from Teal'c and ran for his life. Daniel and Jack, who has awoken during the announcement, stared at Teal'c. Jack raised an eyebrow, something he had practiced quite often.

"I won again, O'Neill." Teal'c stated, and pocketed his winnings.

"Welcome home, SG-1," Hammond greeted the lovable team as they were beamed into Cheyenne Mountain by Prometheus.

"It's good to be back, sir," Jack replied. He gave an award-winning smile and then turned to Daniel, Sam and Teal'c, "So, who's up for some fishing?"

They all groaned in reply.

"That's just what I like to hear!" There was no way they were getting out of fishing this time!

"Can we at least put fish in the pond this time?"

"I'll think about it, Daniel," Jack answered.

And, just as the team was heading off into the proverbial sunset, Daniel dropped dead of a heart attack.

"Damn, not again," Jack said, right as he was beamed away by Thor.

"Indeed," agreed Teal'c, who soon after was captured by Apophis.

Sam headed bitterly back to her lab to work. "Nothing interesting ever happens to me."

To Sam's surprise and excitement, she was kidnapped a few hours later.

Hammond picked up the 24-hour Presidential Hotline, and phoned the White House. "Pay up, Mr. President. Daniel's dead again." Hammond smiled to himself, as he listened to the angry swearing from the other end of the line.

The End...


End file.
